Miser of the Medicament

There are only a handful of people, if that, who truly know the struggles inside my mind, and that it’s truly a miracle I’m still here.  With that said, they don’t fully comprehend those struggles, or the magnitude of the miracle.

This last Christmas Eve, I had the intense urge to write something, and I did, and I wanted to share it so bad.  Then my mind started thinking about who would use it against me, instead of who it might help…I kept it to myself.

Fast forward two weeks…

…he took his life.

Edification by Fly

The fly has been buzzing around here for a few days now.  Every time it comes close I am reflecting, or in tears trying to purge the things I hold on to but need to let go of.  I wanted to swat it dead, but it occurred to me to view the fly – the rubbing of its legs together, how it flits around and eventually goes away until the next time it appears…just like some people.

I saw that fly as one of those people in this world that are rubbing their hands together, a wicked smirk on their face, surely visible to few others.  There are people out there trying to destroy someone else, I’m witnessing such a situation playing out.

As the fly took flight again I flung my arm out, hand open without expectation…I caught that fly in my hand and held it for a moment.

I didn’t crush it.

I let it go.

 

The One Thing That Must Be Faced

“You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings…creation comes from an overflow.”

I’m one of those people trying to break free from hoarding their thoughts and feelings.  There is a force pushing me to let myself open up, but, there is also an equal or maybe greater force trying to hold me back.  I’ve been fortunate to find a handful of angels here that contribute to that pushing force.  These angels share words and photos that draw me in, allowing me to examine the similarities our lives share.  This is such an important factor in helping me stay connected.  I enjoy moments of freedom when I follow through with a comment I wrote, however, I also suffer moments of defeat when I give in to fear, highlight and delete.

I’ve written about this fear of putting myself out there before.  This fear is a daily bone of contention, leaving me disengaged much of the time.  I write of it again because it’s something I know well, but more than that, it’s the one thing that must be faced if I am to fully break free.

 

 

Let Not Your Heart Be Silenced

There was a time in my life when it was best to keep my mouth shut, to not stir things up.  My mind spins thoughts of going back but my heart, my heart shouts words. “NO!”, “DO NOT BECOME SILENT AGAIN!”

Then my heart whispers, “There is already too much silence in this world.”

 

Words

The Blogging 101 task of identifying your audience could have gone so many ways.  I have ended up with new ways to present some of the stories spinning around in my head, which has boosted my confidence and my draft list, but leaves me still wondering about my dream reader.

Truth is, I want to write, and I want to be read.  I want to connect with people and find common ground to converse about, but also learn new things, have my mind opened, be inspired to expand my experiences, see how others are finding joy in life and how they are coping with life’s struggles.  I want my words to be a positive influence for others as much as I want to find positive influences in the words of others.  I want to be a contributing party in this world of words.

My high school English teacher told me, “You are college material, you’re going to be a writer.”  I didn’t go to college, in fact, I dropped out of school three days in to my Senior year.  I didn’t hold on to the paper that produced the words of encouragement from my teacher, but, I held on to his words.  Now, nearly 30 years later, I can see those words as an important link in how I got here.  It was a solidifying moment for my dream of becoming a writer.

A very helpful counselor said to me, “The more important question is not where have you been but, where are you going now?” in answer to my questions of the ‘why’ of my life, and is another example of how words have impacted me.  It was the beginning of understanding the need to process the past while still moving forward.  The road has been tough.  Shadows of the past tagged along and new things to process hitched a ride along the way, but I’m still moving forward, and I’m drawing on all of it to become a better writer.

These final words came, not long ago, from another teacher and aspiring writer.  “You deserve to be read.”  They didn’t stem from a classroom setting, but from one of those new things to process, which has turned in to a positively changed life and a dear friendship.

So, have I identified a dream reader?  I’ll let you decide, and leave you with a song, a tribute to the men of golden words who brought light into my darkness…

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

My gravatar reads, “Simple, yet complex. Aren’t we all?!? A resident of the Alaska Wilderness and Lover of Life. It has not always been this way, so I thank my God and my lucky stars to be here sharing stories, and reading yours…Therapy :-)”…I still like it, it’s the truth.

Who am I?  I am a 45-year old woman who spent most of her life wishing she was not alive, and I am a woman who has been delivered from that state of mind.  Why am I here?  Writing has always been important to me, a much needed release.  After some BIG changes in my life, I decided to feed my love of writing by participating in a couple of writing workshops and eventually starting my own blog.  I have stories to tell and photos to share, but started feeling overwhelmed when trying to decide what to do next.  Sometimes I need a little structure, sometimes I need a little help.  I’m hoping to beat those overwhelming feelings and create a better blog through my participation in the blogging 101 course.

 

 

 

 

Wildfire near Tok jumps Alaska Highway, draws aggressive response

Oh how we need rain, but forecast says not for another week at least. I knew there must be a fire close when the air retardant tanker woke me from a nap. I am only 3 miles from the Tanacross Air Retardant Base. I love sunny weather, but like I’ve heard before, too much of a good thing can be bad. I know not everyone agrees with me, fire fighting brings in big money for a lot of people in these parts…I can hear the tanker coming back again.

AK Fire Info

The Alaska Division of Forestry is aggressively fighting a wildfire near milepost 1234 of the Alaska Highway, about 80 miles south of Tok and 50 miles from the Canadian border.
The Seaton Road House Fire was reported at approximately 4 p.m. at approximately 20 acres. As of 5:30 p.m. the fire was estimated at 40 acres and was burning in black spruce and brush. The fire had jumped the highway and was burning on both sides of the road. No structures were immediately threatened by the fire.
A water-scooping airplane and two air retardant tankers responded to the fire and another retardant tanker was enroute.A helicopter was also on scene dropping water on the fire. Six crews, including two Type 1 crews, two Type 2 initial attack crews and two emergency firefighter crews, were ordered for the fire.
The fire appears to have started on the north side of the…

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Elizabeth

I am here and she is there.  I am not by her side, my friend who has lost her child, her first-born.  We experienced our first pregnancies together, she had her baby boy two weeks before my baby girl arrived.  The timeline of our friendship would show a lengthy interlude after I moved to Alaska, but it never weakened the bond we formed in our teenage years.  If I were there, I would cup my hands beneath her falling tears to show her my love, how much I care.  Her words are etched in my mind, and though we do not share this new and awful circumstance, her words take me there and cause me to weep as well.

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“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is, but she is not, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” ~ Elizabeth

Elizabeth and Ren ♥

 

Writing Your Own, Short Prompts

IMAG0925~Throughout the years, my views have evolved into a more compassionate stance toward others.  Having made it through hard times, mental and physical abuse, depression and addiction, I feel like I am equipped with an understanding of others who are still in the midst of all these things…

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IMAG1402-1~I thought you made me fearless, but realize now, you helped me face my fears.  Why wouldn’t I continue to long for you?  Moving through life as a ‘living dead girl’ was shattered the moment our paths crossed…

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IMAG3322~Something about the Quest this year has helped me focus on understanding something I’ve been going through.  It’s the fear of putting myself out there, and I allow it to stop me more often than not…

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IMAG1886~”What is that?”  As I passed by, the scene before me did not register right away, in the seconds it took for me to turn my eyes back to the road, the question had repeated itself…

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