Her mind is brilliant, but her emotions a mess. I didn’t know the obsession with socks was a sign of the damage I caused by using drugs and alcohol during my first trimester because she walked at nine months and could carry on a better conversation than many adults before she was two. In fact, most of her childhood behavior didn’t seem out of place. I see it now, as she approaches her twenty-ninth birthday. I’m finally talking about it, sometimes without tears.
“You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings…creation comes from an overflow.”
I’m one of those people trying to break free from hoarding their thoughts and feelings. There is a force pushing me to let myself open up, but, there is also an equal or maybe greater force trying to hold me back. I’ve been fortunate to find a handful of angels here that contribute to that pushing force. These angels share words and photos that draw me in, allowing me to examine the similarities our lives share. This is such an important factor in helping me stay connected. I enjoy moments of freedom when I follow through with a comment I wrote, however, I also suffer moments of defeat when I give in to fear, highlight and delete.
I’ve written about this fear of putting myself out there before. This fear is a daily bone of contention, leaving me disengaged much of the time. I write of it again because it’s something I know well, but more than that, it’s the one thing that must be faced if I am to fully break free.
A trigger sets off cascading feeling and thought. Then come the words, jumbled words, searching for their place, the way to come together, hands to put them on paper, a voice to let them sing.
They’re spinning in my head. . .they arrive in my belly to be retched back to bed.
The Blogging 101 task of identifying your audience could have gone so many ways. I have ended up with new ways to present some of the stories spinning around in my head, which has boosted my confidence and my draft list, but leaves me still wondering about my dream reader.
Truth is, I want to write, and I want to be read. I want to connect with people and find common ground to converse about, but also learn new things, have my mind opened, be inspired to expand my experiences, see how others are finding joy in life and how they are coping with life’s struggles. I want my words to be a positive influence for others as much as I want to find positive influences in the words of others. I want to be a contributing party in this world of words.
My high school English teacher told me, “You are college material, you’re going to be a writer.” I didn’t go to college, in fact, I dropped out of school three days in to my Senior year. I didn’t hold on to the paper that produced the words of encouragement from my teacher, but, I held on to his words. Now, nearly 30 years later, I can see those words as an important link in how I got here. It was a solidifying moment for my dream of becoming a writer.
A very helpful counselor said to me, “The more important question is not where have you been but, where are you going now?” in answer to my questions of the ‘why’ of my life, and is another example of how words have impacted me. It was the beginning of understanding the need to process the past while still moving forward. The road has been tough. Shadows of the past tagged along and new things to process hitched a ride along the way, but I’m still moving forward, and I’m drawing on all of it to become a better writer.
These final words came, not long ago, from another teacher and aspiring writer. “You deserve to be read.” They didn’t stem from a classroom setting, but from one of those new things to process, which has turned in to a positively changed life and a dear friendship.
So, have I identified a dream reader? I’ll let you decide, and leave you with a song, a tribute to the men of golden words who brought light into my darkness…
My gravatar reads, “Simple, yet complex. Aren’t we all?!? A resident of the Alaska Wilderness and Lover of Life. It has not always been this way, so I thank my God and my lucky stars to be here sharing stories, and reading yours…Therapy :-)”…I still like it, it’s the truth.
Who am I? I am a 45-year old woman who spent most of her life wishing she was not alive, and I am a woman who has been delivered from that state of mind. Why am I here? Writing has always been important to me, a much needed release. After some BIG changes in my life, I decided to feed my love of writing by participating in a couple of writing workshops and eventually starting my own blog. I have stories to tell and photos to share, but started feeling overwhelmed when trying to decide what to do next. Sometimes I need a little structure, sometimes I need a little help. I’m hoping to beat those overwhelming feelings and create a better blog through my participation in the blogging 101 course.
Oh how we need rain, but forecast says not for another week at least. I knew there must be a fire close when the air retardant tanker woke me from a nap. I am only 3 miles from the Tanacross Air Retardant Base. I love sunny weather, but like I’ve heard before, too much of a good thing can be bad. I know not everyone agrees with me, fire fighting brings in big money for a lot of people in these parts…I can hear the tanker coming back again.
The Alaska Division of Forestry is aggressively fighting a wildfire near milepost 1234 of the Alaska Highway, about 80 miles south of Tok and 50 miles from the Canadian border.
The Seaton Road House Fire was reported at approximately 4 p.m. at approximately 20 acres. As of 5:30 p.m. the fire was estimated at 40 acres and was burning in black spruce and brush. The fire had jumped the highway and was burning on both sides of the road. No structures were immediately threatened by the fire.
A water-scooping airplane and two air retardant tankers responded to the fire and another retardant tanker was enroute.A helicopter was also on scene dropping water on the fire. Six crews, including two Type 1 crews, two Type 2 initial attack crews and two emergency firefighter crews, were ordered for the fire.
The fire appears to have started on the north side of the…
View original post 106 more words